I Married a Man With ADD!

     This is probably one of the most personal posts I will ever write, but since this blog is about sharing the seasons in a Mom's heart, I figured I should go all the way back to the beginning of my story. It all starts with the man I chose to marry. I have known my husband all of my life. Our families were friends since way back when. There is not very much about my life, childhood, or family that he doesn't know, and that statement works both ways. With that said, I really thought I knew my husband on the day I said, "I do." Boy, how much I really had to learn and am still learning after twelve years of marriage!
     One of the hardest things for me to accept about my husband is the fact that he has ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). A person diagnosed with ADD has a hard time concentrating, and staying focused. They may find themselves constantly late, forgetful, disorganized, and overwhelmed with responsibilities. To compound the problem others often verbalize to the Add child at school, or to the ADD adult at work, that they are lazy, a trouble maker, a dreamer, a goof-off, and various other labels, which in turn causes the person with ADD to feel like a failure.
     The truth is, ADD people function more with the right side of their brain, which controls creativity, emotions, and "The big picture." Which means they have a very hard time focusing on details. They can't see the trees for the woods, instead of thinking like left brained people, who can't see the woods for the trees. Typical left brained individuals are detail and goal oriented and are better able to focus and multitask. The ADD condition also causes them to easily become bored, and makes them pace, fidget, or finger tap. This boredom also partly explains why people with ADD constantly switch job occupations, or move often from place to place. ADD sufferers start a sentence and then cannot remember what they were going to say. Their brain is often running in circles, or in several different directions at the same time.
     Yes, I knew before I married him that my husband had been diagnosed as a child with ADD, and he was always honest that it still affected him in his every day life, but at the time I assumed it was merely something he could "work on" in the future. Something he could change. Worst case scenarios in my mind were him losing his keys and eye glasses every day. Which does still happen quite often, by the way. But what I've really learned is that it has nothing to do with willpower. The ADD person will always have ADD.
     Yes, they can, and he does, do things to improve his focus. He prints schedules and usually follows them, but what truly makes him, well..so him, is already a part of who he is. His talent and creativity, his outgoing personality, his passion, and depth of feelings for the "underdog". It is hardwired in his brain. My husband doesn't need me to change him, or require him to become someone he is not, nor will he ever be. What he needs is grace. And what I really need is understanding, patience, and a sense of humor. It isn't always easy, but I have to remind myself, that I have my own personality, that he has to learn to love and live with too. And in the end, who am I to say that being left brained is better than being right brained. It is not better. It is just different. It is just easier to be left brained because we live in a left brained society.
     It took me many years to come to these conclusions. I remember the day, and it was not so many years ago, that reality hit hard, but it was also an aha moment. I found a book at a thrift store about marriage and ADD. I bought it and took it home, and never regretted it. As I read the book I wanted to laugh and cry with relief. I wasn't alone! We weren't alone! My husband was a "normal" person, acting like a "normal" person who has ADD. And I was a completely "normal" spouse who had feelings from time to time, actually a lot of the time, of disappointment, frustration, and sometimes hurt. After accepting the facts, communication and forgiveness could then take place.
     Am I still sometimes frustrated, disappointed, or hurt? Yes. Does my husband still display all the symptoms of ADD? Yes! But now I am able to understand the why of it all, and overcome it. My husband having ADD does not affect how much I love my husband, or his ability to give or receive love back. And at the end of the day, isn't every marriage a learning process? A process of giving and receiving? A process of grace and growth?
     I am even able to look back with clarity, and even cherish, a moment when we first began to date that had confused me before. Thirteen years ago, one September day, my new boyfriend looked over at me, and gently told me how much he loved being around me, because of how calm I made him feel. Calm? I wondered what that meant. I expected him to say how happy or excited I made him feel, not calm. Today, I realize that he paid me the greatest compliment a person with ADD can give. Our life together, our marriage together, has been anything but calm. But to my husband, I am a calm in the middle of his storm, and there's no where else on earth I'd rather be.