Not Photoshopped-Beauty Redefined

     In my last post, I mentioned that it would probably be one of the most personal subjects that I would ever share, and yet here I go getting ready to share another blog about an issue that is extremely personal for me. Today, I want to talk about body image. And possibly give you a few ideas on how women everywhere can think more positively about themselves at any size or any age. It's what I call beauty redefined and definitely not photoshopped!
     Most of my childhood I was know as "chubby" and other words that I'd rather not share. Now, I look back at some of those younger photos of myself and realize that I let other people's opinion negatively affect my thinking and feelings about my body and self worth. I will admit that it is still a challenge for me today to accept who I am, and most importantly, to see that I am so much more than a number on a scale, or a dress size printed on a label.
     For a long time I was embarrassed to be in a photo of any kind. I would crop my photos so that less of what I didn't like about myself would be showing. I wanted to just throw some photos away! My husband would assure me over and over that he thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am, but I couldn't bring myself to believe him. Finally, after the birth of our second child, I decided enough was enough. I spent two long years losing sixty pounds. I was elated! I told myself that whatever it took, I would never gain it back again!
     Sometimes I would exercise three hours a day trying to maintain that weight. I would skip meals, I would do anything to stay thin. The strangest thing of all is when people would say how good I looked, I still wouldn't believe them! I still thought of myself as "fat". Whenever I would share my weight loss story, I would feel like I was lying. It was then that I knew that no amount of weight loss would make me feel beautiful.
     I started to see for the first time that no matter what number showed up on the scale, I was the same person on the inside. I had the same dreams, the same values. My body had changed, but I hadn't! I noticed that some people began to treat me differently, was more accepting of me, maybe even more supportive of me, and while it felt nice in one way, it also hurt a little to think that some people cared more about what I looked like on the outside, than who I really was on the inside. I realized I wanted to be accepted, loved, and appreciated, for far more than whether I wore a size 8 or an 18.
     Fast forward two more children later, and I weigh more than I did before I lost those sixty pounds in what feels like decades ago. Do I want to lose weight again? Yes, because I know that it was a doctor set healthy weight for me to be at. Do I want to take extreme measures to get or stay there? No! The point I am trying to make here is not whether it is healthy to be overweight, it is about the idea that losing the weight makes you a better person, or even a more beautiful person. In my opinion, after being both thin and overweight, it does not.
     I wish women everywhere would learn to see themselves the way the people who love them most see them. One day as I was thinking about this topic, I asked myself, have I ever treated, or even thought of, a person who was overweight like less of a person? The answer for me was no. I see beauty in smiles, in hugs, and in laughter. I see beauty in gray hair and wrinkles. I see beauty in freckles, beauty marks, and even scars. I see beauty in a person's ideas, vision, and creativity. I see beauty in a person's intelligence and personality. I have never stopped loving or admiring someone because they were overweight.
     I also think of it as the weeds vs. flowers syndrome. When a child sees a handful of weeds, he will often pick them and bring them to his mother. She lovingly accepts his gift of "flowers" and to her they really are the most beautiful flowers in the world. We have trained our mind to see beauty in whatever form is acceptable to society, when there are many different kinds of beauty.
     When I look into the mirror the flaws are still there. I still have a crooked nose, and freckles, and right now, an overweight body, but it doesn't mean I shouldn't believe my husband and children when they say I am beautiful. To them, I am. It can be such a wonderful thing to let go and just say "Thank you!" instead of "No way!" when someone gives you a compliment.
    A couple of years ago, a friend of mine had a friend of hers share some pictures she had taken for her thirtieth birthday. She looked great, and I decided it was a neat idea to celebrate a milestone birthday. I was determined to lose weight again by my thirtieth birthday. Needless to say time got away and it did not happen. Something else happened instead. I am slowly but surely learning to accept who I am and where I am right now. I even decided to be "brave" and share a photo of myself that has not been photoshopped and has not been cropped. I am me, and the people who know me best, and love me best, are the ones who love me for who I am, not for who they think I should be.
      So now it's up to you! Do you dare take the challenge? Take a minute to go look into the mirror, and yes, smile. Think of at least one thing that you like about yourself. It doesn't even have to be anything physical. It can be your ability to give, or how nice you treat your friends, etc. Don't wait until you are "the ideal weight" to have fun, shop for new clothes, or take a family photo. Do it now! Because you already are a beautiful person!
   
   
   
   
   

I Married a Man With ADD!

     This is probably one of the most personal posts I will ever write, but since this blog is about sharing the seasons in a Mom's heart, I figured I should go all the way back to the beginning of my story. It all starts with the man I chose to marry. I have known my husband all of my life. Our families were friends since way back when. There is not very much about my life, childhood, or family that he doesn't know, and that statement works both ways. With that said, I really thought I knew my husband on the day I said, "I do." Boy, how much I really had to learn and am still learning after twelve years of marriage!
     One of the hardest things for me to accept about my husband is the fact that he has ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). A person diagnosed with ADD has a hard time concentrating, and staying focused. They may find themselves constantly late, forgetful, disorganized, and overwhelmed with responsibilities. To compound the problem others often verbalize to the Add child at school, or to the ADD adult at work, that they are lazy, a trouble maker, a dreamer, a goof-off, and various other labels, which in turn causes the person with ADD to feel like a failure.
     The truth is, ADD people function more with the right side of their brain, which controls creativity, emotions, and "The big picture." Which means they have a very hard time focusing on details. They can't see the trees for the woods, instead of thinking like left brained people, who can't see the woods for the trees. Typical left brained individuals are detail and goal oriented and are better able to focus and multitask. The ADD condition also causes them to easily become bored, and makes them pace, fidget, or finger tap. This boredom also partly explains why people with ADD constantly switch job occupations, or move often from place to place. ADD sufferers start a sentence and then cannot remember what they were going to say. Their brain is often running in circles, or in several different directions at the same time.
     Yes, I knew before I married him that my husband had been diagnosed as a child with ADD, and he was always honest that it still affected him in his every day life, but at the time I assumed it was merely something he could "work on" in the future. Something he could change. Worst case scenarios in my mind were him losing his keys and eye glasses every day. Which does still happen quite often, by the way. But what I've really learned is that it has nothing to do with willpower. The ADD person will always have ADD.
     Yes, they can, and he does, do things to improve his focus. He prints schedules and usually follows them, but what truly makes him, well..so him, is already a part of who he is. His talent and creativity, his outgoing personality, his passion, and depth of feelings for the "underdog". It is hardwired in his brain. My husband doesn't need me to change him, or require him to become someone he is not, nor will he ever be. What he needs is grace. And what I really need is understanding, patience, and a sense of humor. It isn't always easy, but I have to remind myself, that I have my own personality, that he has to learn to love and live with too. And in the end, who am I to say that being left brained is better than being right brained. It is not better. It is just different. It is just easier to be left brained because we live in a left brained society.
     It took me many years to come to these conclusions. I remember the day, and it was not so many years ago, that reality hit hard, but it was also an aha moment. I found a book at a thrift store about marriage and ADD. I bought it and took it home, and never regretted it. As I read the book I wanted to laugh and cry with relief. I wasn't alone! We weren't alone! My husband was a "normal" person, acting like a "normal" person who has ADD. And I was a completely "normal" spouse who had feelings from time to time, actually a lot of the time, of disappointment, frustration, and sometimes hurt. After accepting the facts, communication and forgiveness could then take place.
     Am I still sometimes frustrated, disappointed, or hurt? Yes. Does my husband still display all the symptoms of ADD? Yes! But now I am able to understand the why of it all, and overcome it. My husband having ADD does not affect how much I love my husband, or his ability to give or receive love back. And at the end of the day, isn't every marriage a learning process? A process of giving and receiving? A process of grace and growth?
     I am even able to look back with clarity, and even cherish, a moment when we first began to date that had confused me before. Thirteen years ago, one September day, my new boyfriend looked over at me, and gently told me how much he loved being around me, because of how calm I made him feel. Calm? I wondered what that meant. I expected him to say how happy or excited I made him feel, not calm. Today, I realize that he paid me the greatest compliment a person with ADD can give. Our life together, our marriage together, has been anything but calm. But to my husband, I am a calm in the middle of his storm, and there's no where else on earth I'd rather be.